Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
