My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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