I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
