i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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