I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
