I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
