Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
