We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
