Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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