I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
