I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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