oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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