ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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