Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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