yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
