fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
