Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
