I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
