addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I can text with my tongue
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
lets start a swedish sibling band together
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
