At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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