Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
