Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
