I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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