about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
