FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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