I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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