Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
