Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize