Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
