I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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