I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize