so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
