Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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