my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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