Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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