He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
