He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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