Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
