Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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