shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
