eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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