Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
