i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
