Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
