I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So many bounce houses so little time
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
