I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
