WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We're too hungover to prance.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
