Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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