I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
