I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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