there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
