I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
