so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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