I puked a lego.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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