Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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