i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
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