I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
