MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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