I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
