he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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