the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
