I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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