You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
