im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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