"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
