Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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